Making friends as an adult is hard almost anywhere. The good news, in Frank and Dave's experience, is that small towns make it easier than big cities do. A small town runs on participation, there aren't enough people to fill every spot, and so newcomers get pulled in fast.
As Frank put it after his own move, in a small town "you will be asked to participate in nearly everything." Here's how to say yes to it, without wearing yourself out.
Say yes to invitations
The book's experience is that in a small town, everyone is invited to everything. You'll be asked to parties and charity events from the first day. You may think you're the most popular family in town, until you notice that nobody is left out of anything.
Say yes, especially in the first few months. The book's advice is not to spend all your time unpacking. You moved to improve your quality of life, not to break the world speed record for settling in.
Volunteer for something you enjoy
Small towns are all about participating, the book says, because there aren't enough people to fill all the spots in all the town's groups. Offer your skill or interest to a group you like, and you'll be included right away. That one act of volunteering can start a whole new circle of friends.
If you paint, join the local art guild. If you like helping at school, let people know, and the book promises you'll have plenty of requests. Over time you may end up leading the group. When that happens, the book's advice is to keep including everyone, the way you were included.
Let your kids lead the way
Children make friends fast, and their friends' parents can become yours. The book says to set up lots of play dates early, and not to wait for the other parents to make the first move.
If you move in summer, the book suggests signing kids up right away for lessons such as swimming, sports, art or drama, so they meet people in a good setting. It also makes a case for moving over Christmas break, when people tend to be friendlier and kids have about half a school year to make friends before summer. Our guide to making the move covers timing in more detail.
Teenagers can pitch in too. In the book's experience, teens make up a large part of a small town's workforce, and the adults who work with them tend to be nurturing and protective.
Find your church or civic group
Frank's list of where you'll be asked to help covers home, school, church and the community. If you're a churchgoer, visit a few congregations and stay for the coffee or the potluck. Service clubs, the library's friends group, the historical society and the volunteer fire department are all ways in. The book notes that in small towns, the fire department is normally made up of volunteers.
Show up for the town's events
The book promises activities every week, open to everyone and often free: Friday night football, other games, town picnics, church functions and plenty to do outdoors. Everything is more fun when you know people by first name, and showing up is how that starts.
The book has a simple system to make sure you go. Make a list of the top ten things to do in your new area and try to hit one a week, no matter how tired you are. Then start a three-ring binder the book calls "The Great Big Book of Everything," packed with every fun thing to do nearby, gathered from the state, the town, the chamber of commerce and travel guides. When free time comes, pull out the binder and pick something.
Go to a town meeting
The book notes that small-town residents tend to be more active in town government and to give freely to fundraisers that benefit the town. Sit in on a city council or school board meeting, or offer to serve on a committee. You'll learn how the town really works and meet the people who keep it running.
Invite people over
Invitations work both ways. Once the kitchen is unpacked, have the neighbors over for coffee, a cookout or a holiday open house. Nothing fancy is required; the invitation is the point.
Become a regular
In Frank's town, his usual iced tea arrives before he orders, along with a "How you doing, Frank?" Being a regular at the café, the hardware store or the barbershop is one of the easiest ways to become part of a small town. Go to the same places at the same times, learn names, and use them.
Don't let the contractors become your only friends
Here's the trap. Right after a move, the people you see most are often the ones fixing up your house. One of our archive pieces warns against making them your circle of friends. They have a stake in being your buddy, and the friendlier you get, the longer and costlier the job can become. Keep it friendly but businesslike, and put your social energy into neighbors, school families and church.
Give it time, and keep your old friends
Some towns warm up faster than others. The book describes "solid but exclusive" towns where families keep to themselves and newcomers can feel like outsiders for a long time. If you've landed in one, lean harder on volunteering and your kids' activities, and be patient.
Meanwhile, don't drop your old friends. The book's view is that moving adds to your friend base rather than replacing it. Call, email and send a Christmas card or letter at least once a year. Invite old neighbors to visit, and treat them like royalty when they come. The book even suggests mailing old-fashioned postcards of your new town, which might tempt someone to come see it.
Our guide to settling in has more on your first months in a new town.
Frank and Dave's free book has full chapters on expanding out and leveraging the town's advantages, the ideas behind this article. Get your copy here.